Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.
It is the exact sentence to describe how it feels right now. I feel angry because i cannot do anything , i feel depressed because i don't know what i can do , i feel boiling anxiety deep in me because i don't have a clear picture of what is happening to you . Angst? Maybe i don't how many individual philosophical meanings it means to many others though .
I sat right outside the A&E care corner . I see doctor walking around , nurses walking around . I see families crying , i see families tired dreadful face. Naturally the tragic scene flashes one by one , bit by bit , clearer and clearer . I still feel the trembling heart in me . I thought i could forget but no . I am still so afraid of losing the one i love . I lost one , lost two . Not gonna lost the third . It was so terrible , i cried . But i can understand why you cannot understand how scary it feels to be me .
I always wanted to forget how it feels like , but no . I can't forget how it feels like to lose someone . I don't know how hurt i am emotionally , i wish i know . But definitely my soul ain't complete . No matter what it never will . People say to me even if at the last min i decided to believe in god , he will help me . This is whole load of bullshit , no it's another higher level of bullshits . God , love me as his child and will help even i decided to turn to him at the last min? Ya? fuck you god .
God is just make believe . People made it up because they are hopeless and they wanna have faith for someone or something . Who ever seen God before? No one . Does he have any descendant? No . I find it funny whenever people ask me to attend to church . What can church do to you? Bring you to good path ? No i doubt so . Give you decipline? No doubt so , or else what parents are for? Fuck god , fuck church fuck all gods.
Maybe you did help many people but you definitely didn't help me . At least ease my pain . You did not , time did. I did. i did.......
You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than you dreams.
Sometimes i really do think , will you ever leave me . I don't know , nobody knows . Love ; who could ever predict anyway right? So i always tell myself , since i'm happy with who you are right now , and who i am with right now . What's the point in thinking anyway . After i heard about your ex girlfriends , i realize i'm so not up to standards. Neither am i smart nor pretty neither do i know how bake cakes for you . Sigh
Anyway , i found 2 things when i browse the web . One is psychological distance between people and psycological facts about love.
Psycological Distance ; There are 4 types of distance research by Edward T Hall . I don't know how true it is , but i find it quite interesting .
First is Public distance can be as far up to 7.6m Second is Social Distance can be as far up to 3.7m Third is Personal Distance can be far up to 120cm The last is Intimate distance can far up from 0 cm to 46cm
But it depends on the culture , social situation , gender and individual preferences.
And i also saw this : 25 Reationship Rules
#1 Try your best to love your partner unconditionally even if it seems had not to be selfish
What can to my mind the min i saw this , what is unconditionally ? Could anybody possibly do that?
Have you ever xperienced so much love that just bring a gleeful smile on your lover's face makes your day? Sometimes that easiest feelings are the hardest to explain. And at some other times , it's easier to see true love by actions than to hear about it through loving words . Unconditional love is one such emotion that can never really b xplained , but can only be experienced in lil ways , day by day , everyday. Unconditional love is hard to explain . And to every individual it holds another meaning as well .
To me unconditionally is when i could sacrifice to want something that i can get at the point of time or wanna do something at the point of time but at the end give it up that chance in order to let my partner do or want something else without feeling regret or angry but instead happy that the decision i made had brought a smile on my partner face. Had proven i made the right choice . Or to love with all my heart and not wanting anything in return . That's unconditionally . I guess i checked mine for rule one :p
#2 Think from your partner’s perspective when it comes to matters of the heart.
Well this is something i believe not anyone could do unless they are so calm so loving and of course more then selfless . I guess this rule i actually broke it more then i could ever think i did . When it comes to arguements , i guess i had a bad habit . Is to say i'm sorry not solely because i am apologetic but just to stop the arguement. I always said i hate arguements but who loves it?
If falling in love is like taking off or flying, then love is like landing.
Yesterday's night , you slept half way and cried two times. I wonder what were you dreaming about , i didn't dare to ask when i saw you this late evening . And few moments later i dreamt about something . I dreamt about you broke up with me months months ago . And i got this heart skip a beat feeling . ):
Sometimes we spend time asking who is responsible or who to blame, whether in a relationship , in a job or with the people we know. We miss out some warmth in human relationship in giving each other support.
I came upon this picture in fb about a girl , a high school girl got raped and killed and buried in concrete in a oil drum back in the 1988 / 1989 incident ; named Junko Furuta . When i first looked at the picture .. It was traumatizing . Well , no doubt , i did doubt weather was it real or fake . Because , to me humans , no matter how bad some people are but there is still a little of conscience or sanity in one's mind . But i guess i was wrong .
I also came upon this manga << School Girl In Concrete >> It was a summarized version of what really happened , in like 3 chapters? Or probably only 2 . Short manga but very disturbing one . The guys not literally burn her . They really burned her . I mean , c'mon . I can't even punch someone in the face yet they could do all sorts of funny stuffs on another human body , not a dead one but a living one. I always believed everybody , every human does not have the right to lay a finger one another human being . I mean , as in friends to friends or whatsoever . Probably the most authorized people to lay a finger on another is the parents or the law .
Anyway , really god bless the girl . God bless the guys too . *Sarcasm*
An Embryo of him and me , goodbye sweet spirit without a name.
This feeling never go away . Maybe it does when you don't think about it . But it comes back with a snap of a finger when your brain takes you near it . And the feelings stay stagnent for maybe a couple of hours . Believe me , if it wasn't under this circumstances i wouldn't do it . You know i wouldn't , right ? I don't how much does it hurt until now . For some people says "When it hurts till a certain extent , you wouldn't feel anything anymore " Well , i don't think it's true .. Not for me though . Cause it still hurts , quite very much i can say . I didn't mention it to anybody neither do i want to ... I need no sympathy again like i felt when i lost my first .
I always tell myself what over is over . But then again ? How do i let it slip pass me so easily ? If it's so easy , there would be a problem lies within me wouldn't it ? I choose not to talk about it , or bringing it up to you . But i'm sure it passes through you every now and then .
I lost what is truly called ours . I wouldn't wanna lose you . Well , not that the trust is not there . Is there actually . But the afraid is there too .
The dead might as well try to speak to the living as the old to the young.
Well , i just feel like blogging again.. Just felt like it. Alot of things happening around me lately . When i say alot i really meant alot . I don't wanna say , due to other's privacy .
So , here an little update on my daily routine. Monday to Friday go to school and Saturday went for work . And that's about it . Kinda lifeless , i knowwww . But what to do? I wanna finish my studies as soon as possble. So i can come out and work asap . Well it's me , i feel the need to work and earn come cash though .
Anyway , things changed . To me , to my family , to me and my dad . I haven't been talking to him like months , not i don't want to .. But can't seems to . Yeahs thats the right . Can't seem to ... People who really knew me , i'm close to my dad more then my mum thought i'm living with my mum . But lately i realize , but dad is not my dad anymore he's actually someone elses husband already . So why hang on to him ? It's not about jealousy , it's not about him . It's about him . It's him who should had would have put out everything and see what and who is the priorty . But sadly , i forgot the fact that if he is this kinda man , he wouldn't end himself like this.
If at the end of day he chooses his wife over me , who would i blame? i can't change the dad i have ( i gladly change him to someone else if i can) Ever since he got his ass out of jail he wants to take care of me as dad ( well he should have ) . Well he did not do a good job , he never had . He can even ask me for money to clear his soccer shit debts and ask me to shut my mouth from his bitchy wife . For god sake ! Screw you , you know that? Screw you , you maybe the biggest son in the family but please don't always be the one deciding on things , cause clearly you do not have any leadership qualities in you ,
I'll never paint the world if I use Da Vinci's brush I'll never write like Dylan if I'm always in a rush I'll never help the world by passing on the blame I'll never help the world by keeping it the same
Chorus I'm no one else but me I can't pretend to be another carbon copy I'm no one else but me I can't pretend to be another carbon copy
I'll never play like Jordan 'cause my feet don't fit his shoes I'll never write like Mozart because I only know the blues I'll never know the world from a book up on the shelf I'll never know the world if I never know myself
Chorus
Oh and I get my inspiration from the best When I'm around you Oh and I give it all I got and nothing less It's true
Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.
Is anyone still alive? Lol . I felt like posting out of a sudden before going to sleep .
Nothing really happened this few months . When i said nothing , it's really like dull and all y'knw . Douchiness.
Well met up with my old friends last month , mac with <3Huimin and saw Andre the giant , Alfred and Shunquan. Coolness huh?
And started to watch supernatural all over again until season 6 . Great , now i'm watching gossip girl , Diana Ho seems to like it , but i find it rather boring though . All about money , lust , virginity , dignity . Too much money that you'll never get to see in your bank account . lols
But i've got no choice , nothing much for me to watch .
Planning to take N level? Still considering . HA!
Gosh , seems like alot of people getting pregnant then get married . Tradition changed? Pregnant first then marry? Lol! If it's new i guess it isn't call tradition more like a trend maybe . I just wish this people would just wake their bloody mind up . No offend though .
Guess what ? I near got knocked down at the crossroad between 1head and 2head in the morning by some in-a-rush-retarded-reckless driver. Great . You know what? Screw you dude.
I hope after 9 nov , everything will still stay the same . Same will , no changes ):
I wanna play blackshot again ... -.-
Ciaozxzx
I bust the windows out your car And no, it didn't mend my broken heart I'll probably always have these ugly scars But right now, I don't care about that part
I bust the windows out your car After I saw you laying next to her I didn't wanna but I took my turn I'm glad I did it ?cause you had to learn
I must admit it helped a little bit To think of how you'd feel when you saw it I didn't know that I had that much strength But I'm glad you see what happens when
You see you can't just play with people's feelings Tell them you love them and don?t mean it You?ll probably say that it was juvenile But I think that I deserve to smile
I bust the windows out your car You know I did it ?cause I left my mark Wrote my initials with a crowbar And then I drove up into the dark
I bust the windows out your car You should feel lucky that was all I did After 5 whole years of this bull**** Gave you all of me and you played with it
I must admit it helped a little bit To think of how you'd feel when you saw it I didn?t know that I had that much strength But I?m glad you see what happens when
You see you can't just play with people's feelings Tell them you love them and don?t mean it You probably say that it was juvenile But I think that I deserve to smile
[Incomprehensible] out your car But it don?t come back to my broken heart You could never feel how I felt that day Until it happens, baby, you don?t know pain
Oh yeah, I did it, you should know it I ain?t sorry, you deserved it After what you did to me You deserved it, I ain?t sorry no, no
You broke my heart, so I broke your car You caused me pain, so I did the same Even though what you did to me was much worse I had to do something to make you hurt
Oh, but why am I still crying? Why am I the one who?s still crying? Oh, oh, you really hurt me, baby You really, really hurt me, baby
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Now, watch me you Now, watch me you I bust the windows out your car
No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.
I couldn't get to sleep . I don't know why . It seems like there's alot running through my mind , yet there's nothing at all . Contradicting huh? That's human i guess .
It's becoming a habit , when i lay on bed trying to sleep . But having trouble doing it . I'll think , not much for me to think . I choose to think about my baby boy . It's a habit , thinking of him every now and then . Of course , i don't cry as much as i used to now . Still do , sometimes .
106 days after already .
I heard ashton crying so badly just now , well . Human instinct i guess . i got out of bed to check him out although i knew that his father is taking care of him . He's crying so badly , well he cries all the time . Exact he whines all the time . But this time he cried so hard . And suddenly images of my baby boy crying so badly gush into my brain . The images stuck at the point when i sent baby boy into the operating room . On to the operating table . He cried so hard and reaches out for me . Froze .
Well , i know there's no point mentioning it right now . But just wanna vent it out once again , like how i used to .
It really wasn't easy being a single mother . Ever harder when you have no peace . When i said no peace i meant pestering , pestering so badly i think i'll call it harassment . Every now and then threatening messages and then when you know it all doesn't work no more you start sending messages like you love me and miss me and my baby boy . You showed me how human can lie through their teeth . So badly .
And everything starts to change . And baby boy starts to fall sick , you blamed everything on me . A little part of me wish that in exchange you should be lying on that death bed . With that tumor in your head instead of my baby boy .
In your 24 years of life on earth . Other then fighting , drugs . Nothing much done . Everything you did was to hurt others without putting yourself in other shoe . I don't know if this makes sense to anybody . But i felt , for things you did . So sinful . It actually bought upon to my baby boy . Well , it's unfair . Of course it is , life was never fair . Am i right to say that?
Fairness couldn't exist all the time . In fact , unfairness exist all the time . That's life .
Just like people always say .
The poor gets poorer , the rich gets richer . It's true . That's god made us to be . Of course , tragic stories do fall upon the riches . Like bankruptcy or illnesses like commoners like us .
I don't know the reason of this post about . It just made feel better . Somehow . Life never goes smoothly , does it ? Things that doesn't kill you just makes you stronger is it? Ha . I don't know . Maybe .
Until then .. I'm still strong . Still alive and kickin' . Thanks to the things that doesn't kill me .
Latest Comments